Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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