The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
