Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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