so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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