the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
