I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
