i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
