sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I cannot find my penis.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize