I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
