no, he came in my armpit
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
