Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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