I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
