bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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