There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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