i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
