can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize