i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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