please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
