I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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