I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
