He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
