you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
