omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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