I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
