i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
