dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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