I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
