I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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