I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
