who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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