i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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