shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
