Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
