awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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