I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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