Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
