It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
