remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
