Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize