I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
