I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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