I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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