I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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