I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
being pregnant is like rehab
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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