Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
