This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
