I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
