He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Someone signed my nipple.
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