I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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