When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
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Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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