I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
