There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Who died my cat blue again?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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