your parents love me but you hate me
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
