You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
